I’ll be damned, it does still work.
More soon.
Ugh, starting over again!
February 23rd, 2010 · General
You’re reading this because my previous install of wordpress borked, or bricked, or fubared, or whatever the kids are calling it these days when technology doesn’t work how it’s supposed to. Luckily I have most of the old posts saved, those I don’t are just lost in the ether of the internet. Hope to have things up and running again eventually.
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“Nice Column.” “You too!”
January 5th, 2010 · From the Desk of Chris Carlisle, with Love
I need your assistance in an important pressing matter. It’s not a matter of life or death or national security, nothing like that. This is something much more important: this is about winning an argument with my wife.
Yes, it’s that important.
The argument began in the drive-thru line at a local fast food restaurant. We had just received our order and my wife was in the process of distributing to the children their youth portioned meals of pressed lumps of mechanically separated chicken (with toy!) when the following exchange took place between me and the girl in the drive-thru window:
Drive-thru employee: You have a nice day.
Me: Thanks.
And then I drove away. A few seconds later, my wife said the following:
Wife: Well that was rude.
Me: What did she say?
Wife: You.
Me: Me?
Wife: Yes you.
Me: How was I rude?
Wife: Because she told you to have a nice day and you didn’t wish her the same.
Me: I said thanks.
Wife: That’s not the same.
Me: But I thanked her. Isn’t it considered polite to thank someone?
Wife: It’s more polite to wish them a nice day in return.
I see the basis of her argument: if someone wishes you to have a nice day, wishing him or her to have the same is a courteous reply. I don’t dispute that wishing someone a pleasant day isn’t an acceptable reply; I’m arguing that an expression of thanks is a more appropriate and safer response, and here’s why.
Let’s be honest, when someone says, “have a nice day,” the reply to that is hardly ever, “and you have a nice day as well, kind stranger.” Rather than say all that, the response to “have a nice day” is generally shortened to two words: “you too.”
Let’s revisit the example of my previous exchange with the drive-thru attendant, replacing my “thanks” with this response:
“Have a nice day.”
“You too!”
No issues right? In this instance no, but here’s the catch. In most of these exchanges, you’re not processing their words and genuinely wishing them well; you’re just parroting a conditioned response to closing of a conversation with a complete stranger, something that you might do three or four times a day. Since these exchanges happen so often and pass so quickly, your reply is out of your mouth before you’ve had time to fully process what the other person has said. This is an issue when the offering party does not wish you to have a nice day but instead changes up the parting blessing to something else.
Let’s revisit the drive-thru exchange one more time, but this time we’ll substitute the well-wisher’s parting words with another acceptable phrase.
First using my method of simply saying “thanks”:
“You drive safely.”
“Thanks.”
And now with my wife’s go to response:
“You drive safely.”
“You too!”
My conditioned response still works whereas my wife’s conditioned response does not. The drive-thru attendant wasn’t driving… why wish her to drive safely? That’s just silly. The same goes for when you wish the ticket taker at the theater to also enjoy the movie or the cab driver that drove you to the airport to also have a nice flight.
The basic premise of my argument is this: “thanks” is a universal response whereas “you too” is only good for when someone specifically wishes you to have a nice day. So no matter what the other person says, I’m covered if I just say thanks. I don’t even have to pay attention to what the other person is saying and I still get points for sincerity.
I tried explaining this logic of masked insincerity to my wife, but I’m not sure it went over well with her. She basically told me where to go, to which I simply replied, “thanks.”
And no, she didn’t appreciate me pointing out how much worse it would’ve been had I said “you too” instead.
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2010: Where the future of the past meets the present of today
December 29th, 2009 · From the Desk of Chris Carlisle, with Love
The year 2010 still holds the connotation of a far off date in a futuristic science fiction novel, yet in reality 2010 it can be summed up in a single word: Friday.
In the science fiction version of 2010, it is a time of technological enlightenment and discovery; a time when rocket cars, moon bases, and contact with extraterrestrial life are an everyday occurrence. But as we all know by now, the reality of 2010 is far less flattering: cars are still land based, we haven’t been back to the moon in almost 40 years, and the closest we’ve came to extraterrestrial contact is two hours of CNN footage tracking a saucer shaped balloon across the Colorado sky, not to mention the eighteen hours of family interviews that followed.
But that was 2009! Surely the coming decade will usher in at least some of the world of tomorrow we were promised in the past. Right?
Sadly, no. I have visited the future courtesy of a freak accident that sent me forward in time through a rift in the time space continuum, allowing me a glimpse of the year to come. The science behind the incident is hard to explain; all I know is the time rift happened when I accidentally swallowed a piece of foil from a Chipotle burrito wrapper at the exact same moment the Large Hadron Collider completed its first particle collisions.
(Poker Face by Lady Gaga was also playing on my iPod at the time of the incident, but that may have been an unfortunate coincidence. I was also singing along to the song, but perhaps that too was just an unfortunate coincidence. It’s also perhaps unfortunate that I just admitted to having Poker Face by Lady Gaga on my iPod and that I sing along to it while driving, complete with hand gestures. Perhaps I’ve said too much. Yes I have; I should move on.)
(In my defense, that song is catchy.)
(Puh-puh-puh-poker face puh-puh-poker face. You were just singing it, admit it.)
(Oh, I was moving on.)
So the future, I’ve seen it, and it’s not all good. It starts out a little shaky in…
January
President Obama lands in hot water with the FCC when he swears during his State of the Union address. While addressing the joint session of Congress, the president commends the body for the passage of healthcare reform legislation, referring to the historic vote as “pretty bad ass.” Despite pressure from parental advocacy groups, FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski decides against fining the president for his choice of language.
To save face with parental groups, the president issues an Executive Order creating an official White House Deficit Reduction Swear Jar, putting in the first dollar during the “Un-swearing In” Ceremony. Shortly after the ceremony, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is seen depositing a check for $4,000 with the words “Weekly Staff Meeting” in the memo field.
February
Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts win Super Bowl XLIV, defeating the Minnesota Vikings 34-20. Super Bowl MVP Peyton Manning sets a new Super Bowl record with 47 commercial appearances, 28 in the first half alone. An impressive feat, but Manning’s most impressive commercial moment came on a 3rd and 7 play from his 45 yard line when the Colt’s QB surprised everyone by audibling to a commercial during the game. The defense was so captivated by Manning’s Mastercard pitch they never noticed Reggie Wayne running free up the sideline for an easy touchdown catch. Brett Favre tried to counter with a commercial of his own in the 3rd quarter, but since no one wears Wrangler jeans anymore his pitch fell flat and was sacked for an 8-yard loss.
March
On Earth Day, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger signs into legislation a controversial bill that aggravates his old friends in the film industry. The new law closes a loophole that awarded green credits to movie studios because it classified sequels and remakes as a form of recycling. Since the legislation doesn’t go into effect until 2011, the release date for My Mother the Car, the Movie is bumped from next February to December 2009.
April
In financial news, Bernie Madoff is rushed to the prison infirmary for treatment of multiple stab wounds after being shived in the yard. The shiving incident occurred shortly after Mr. Madoff bilked many of his fellow inmates through a short-lived cigarette ponzi scheme. Among the investors is mafia boss Carmine “Junior” Persico, who reportedly lost 16 cases of Marlboro Reds in the deal and probably ordered the attack. Despite prayers and around the clock candlelight vigils, Madoff makes a full recovery from his wounds and is transferred to a different prison for his safety.
May
After 7 seasons of mystery, intrigue, and suspense, Lost airs its series finale, becoming the most watched television episode of all time. The episode wraps up many plotlines and finally answers many of the longstanding questions that have kept viewers guessing the past 7 years. The question “why the hell have I been watching this show?” remains unanswered, sadly.
June
A year after his death, fans of Michael Jackson flock to his gravesite to mark the anniversary of his passing. The mausoleum where he was laid to rest is adorned with flowers, cards, and pictures as thousands of fans line up around the clock to pay respects to the former king of pop. Multiple attempts to recreate the dance scene from Thriller are thwarted by cemetery security citing public noise statutes, respect for other mourners, and the general consensus that it’s still too soon for that.
July
The makers of the films Scary Movie, Date Movie, and Epic Movie finally tackle the only genre of film they have yet to skewer… parody movies. Spoof Movie, a movie about creating a movie that parodies other movies, is released on 4th of July weekend and is rightfully panned by critics and moviegoers alike. The movie is so terrible that litigation is brought against the makers of the film in a Texas court for falsely claiming the movie is a comedy. The filmmakers are found guilty, and per Texas tradition are sentenced to execution.
August
After an 8-month hiatus from the sport, Tiger Woods returns to the golf course to play in the PGA Championship tournament in Kohler, WI. After a rusty start, Tiger eventually finds his stroke and finishes a not too shabby third in the tournament. He ends his weekend with a final tally of 6 under par and 8 prospective phone numbers.
September
On September 23, Mark Booker will smoke a cigarette, becoming the last person on earth to break his 2010 New Year’s Resolution. His mark of 266 days is just 5 days shy of the world record for keeping a New Year’s resolution set by Ilene Juniper of Dalston, England, when in 1987, when she resolved to stop meddling in her daughter’s relationships (it’s a good thing she did too, otherwise Lorie would have never met that nice Durbin boy). In Mark’s defense, he was having a very bad day.
October
Popular horror writer Stephen King finally joins Twitter, but due to the site’s 140 character limit the author is unable to post any updates to the site. Twitter agrees to expand the character limit from 140 to 200 in an attempt to appease the verbose writer, but King will have nothing to do with it. Instead, the author uses the incident as the basis for a new novel about a zombie plague spread via social networking websites. The novel is 1300 pages long and notably does not contain a single sentence with less than 200 characters.
November
Republicans have a strong showing in the November midterm elections, narrowly winning back control of the House and shrinking the Democratic majority to 4 seats in the Senate. Republican Chairman Michael Steele heralds the gains in Congress as a return to conservative values, small government and responsible spending. Despite Steele’s claims, polling data indicates the biggest contributor to the Republican victories was low Democratic voter turnout, which was subsequently traced to a poorly timed one-day only sale at Pier 1 Imports.
December
After a year of government ownership, GM unveils their first new automobile that is a direct result of government involvement with the automotive giant. The vehicle, known as the Chevrolet Subcommittee, has three doors, seven tires, runs on a combination of ethanol, diesel, clean coal, wind turbines, solar and hydrogen fuel cells, and includes a provision in the glove compartment awarding the Maine Lobstermen Association with a Certificate of Special Congressional Recognition for their many years of service to the lobster fishing community. The vehicle is also equipped with an advanced theft detection system that requires the driver to donate $200 to a GM preferred political action committee prior to turning the key. Despite strong backing from GM and the government, the vehicle does not sell very well. Like its namesake, the Chevy Subcommittee is prone to frequent stalling and rarely moves forward. Although GMs financial footing is still in doubt, the rest of the nation’s economy appears to have finally turned the corner, mostly due to Rahm Emanuel’s contributions to the swear jar.
So that pretty much sums up the 2010. Still no sign of flying cars, moon bases, or extraterrestrial visitors, but all in all it doesn’t seem like a bad year right? Well there’s one thing about the future that I’ve neglected to mention yet that might put a damper on your optimism for the coming year. In fact this revelation might be too much for some people to handle. What I’m about to share with you is so dire, so dispiriting, that people with weak constitutions may want to look away before reading the following sentences.
The really, really worst part about the future? A year from now you’ll still have this stuck in your head:
Puh-puh-puh-poker face puh-puh-poker face.
Happy New Year!
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Keep reading, there are snacks at the end for everyone
August 17th, 2009 · From the Desk of Chris Carlisle, with Love
I volunteered to coach my coach my five-year-old daughter’s soccer team this fall.
Well, that’s not entirely true. To volunteer means to freely give one’s time, and technically that’s not what happened here. Sure, I am giving my time to coach my daughter’s team, an unpaid position, but the means by which I became her team’s coach was not as simple as “volunteering” for the job might sound.
My wife volunteered me for the position. I was wifenteered.
(Checked Google. No entries yet for Wifenteer. A new word is born!)
If there’s one thing I have in common with a five-year-old (besides watching at least two hours of cartoons each day), it’s that neither of us have any idea whatsoever about how the game of soccer is played. Sure it involves a ball and lots of kicking, but I figured there had to be more to it than that.
I went as far as to DVR a soccer games to see if I could glean any information from watching how the pros play it. The best I could tell when watching the playback (at 15x normal speed), it really is just a bunch of kicking the ball around with the occasional rolling around on the turf grabbing your ankle.
Since I volunteered (read: wifenteered) to educate these young minds on the sport, I decided the best course of action was to attend the league sanctioned training session to learn more about the game. This was a clinic put on by actual soccer professionals who’ve spent most of their lives playing and coaching the sport.
I learned three very important things at this training:
1.Soccer at it’s purest form is a mind-numbingly boring sport that will not hold a five-year-old’s attention longer than 20 seconds.
2.The only way to keep a five-year-old interested in playing soccer longer than 20 seconds is to trick him into thinking he’s not playing soccer.
3.Arrange for snacks at the end of each practice as a reward to help keep the kids interested.
Although the drills I learned at the coaching clinic dealt with soccer related moves and techniques, none of the drills actually made any reference to the sport of soccer. Rather than learn how to score goals, we played the “Eggs in the Nest” game, where the balls were eggs and that the goal was the nest. Instead of learning to dribble, we played the “Don’t Wake the Snake” game, where the players had to dribble their ball through an obstacle course without touching any of the cones (i.e. the snake). Instead of learning how to pass the ball, we played the “Vaccinate the SARS Infected Monkey” game where we, well, that one’s pretty much self-explanatory.
After learning these drills, it’s not surprising any more that many soccer games end in a 0-0 tie. Odds are good that no one in the history of the sport was ever taught how to score a goal. Everyone’s too busy trying not to wake the snake that they forget to put the eggs in the nest.
My hopes aren’t high that my team will score many goals this season, but at this point in their development as soccer players, it’s less about winning and losing and more about tricking them into playing the game.
Although we’re not counting wins and losses, I do have one goal for my team to accomplish this year. I fully expect all of my players will be using euphemisms on a 4th grade level by the end of the season. If that happens, it will be well worth my wifenteered time.
(Sorry to disappoint, but there are no snacks this week. It was your mother’s turn and she forgot to bring them. Maybe next week.)
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That sinking feeling is quite draining, much like these puns
July 7th, 2009 · From the Desk of Chris Carlisle, with Love
There’s nothing quite like the feeling you get when you come home after a long, hard day of pretending to work, walking through the front door of your house, and have your wife greet you as you enter the door, saying those three little words:
“The sink’s clogged.”
Granted, those weren’t the three words you were hoping to hear. You would rather have heard something along the lines of “I ordered takeout” or even “bingo whiskey tinfoil”, although the second phrase probably means your wife is suffering from a concussion and requires immediate medical attention. That being said, a trip to the ER is still preferred over an evening spent elbow deep in sink innards prying pieces of chicken bone from the garbage disposal.
While most of the household chores are gender neutral in our family, the wife and I have reached an agreement that, though it may not be politically correct, a few household duties will remain the responsibility of husband while others would remain the responsibility of the wife. Husband specific duties include any activities that involve ladders, pipes, wires, or spiders. Wife controlled activities include decoration, color coordination (such as picking out clothes for the children), and any other activity that if viewed by people outside of the family would cause public embarrassment or otherwise ruin the family name (such as picking out clothes for me). Since a clogged drain involved pipes there was no doubt that it fell under my job description, so off I went to fix the problem.
Friends, I have seen a number of clogged sinks in my day (three, maybe four), so you’ll believe me when I say this was no ordinary clogged drain. A clog is remedied by a few glugs of drain cleaner or a few plunges of a plunger that has allegedly never seen the inside of a toilet bowl. In this case, both washbasins of the kitchen sink were half filled with a liquid substance best described as “Leftovers Smoothie”. This was no mere clog; this was a plumbing failure of epic proportion.
My first course of action was to switch on the garbage disposal in the hopes that I could, in technical plumbing terms, “chum up the smoothie” and potentially break up the clog. I leaned over the counter and flipped the switch, quickly backing away to avoid any splattering from the sink. As the disposal blades whirred to life the surface of the liquid began to churn, swirling bits of former food particles and wonderful new smells to the surface. The garbage disposal started shaking violently, vibrating the entire sink as it battled against the vile clog. All I could do was stand back and watch, fingers crossed. It was in God’s hands now.
The sink began to make a guzzling, gurgling, growling noise, sounding much like an angry bear being sprayed in the face with a fire hose. Slowly, a swirling vortex of sludge formed in the basin. Between the vortex of unmentionable disgustingness and the angry noises, the sink looked less like a sink and more like a portal to another dimension. I armed myself with the nearest kitchen utensil (a spatula) preparing to fight back any demon spawn that might try to cross over. Thankfully nothing did, but something was happening in the sink. As the vortex achieved maximum velocity, the level of the liquid in the washbasin ever so slowly began to drop. The battle is won! Huzzah!
The victory celebration was short-lived however. I noticed the liquid in the opposite washbasin was bubbling and gurgling as its level was ever so slowly rising at the same pace as the other one was emptying. I switched off the garbage disposal before overflowing the opposite sink, watching carefully as the levels in both basins eventually equalized back to their starting amounts. Alas, this clog was too mighty to go down so easily.
(I did switch the disposal on again, repeating the vortex experiment. I did this two or three more times, not because I thought it would help, but because I thought it was awesome. I invited my wife to watch; she was less impressed.)
Eventually I managed to quell the angry clog by unleashing the fury of my drain snake, which is much dirtier than it sounds, just not in the way that you’re thinking. My wife was quite happy to have the sink back in working order, and responded to this news with those three words that I always anticipate hearing upon completion of a home repair project:
“Clean your mess.”
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Daylight Savings – Are We Doing Enough?
March 5th, 2009 · From the Desk of Chris Carlisle, with Love
Sunday March 8 at 2am marks the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know the complete history of Daylight Savings, but I believe it began in the late 1800s as a measure to protect early rising farmers from vampire attacks as they transported their goods to the markets in the wee hours of the morning. After adopting Daylight Savings the number of reported vampire attacks on farmers dropped to zero. No data exists on the number of attacks in the years prior to Daylight Savings, but I’m guessing there were at least six.
Sure the extra daylight is great, but are we doing enough? Daylight is an important natural resource, and even though the observance of Daylight Savings Time will lead to more daylight being saved, I think we can do better as a nation. So I’ve compiled a short list of how you can save even more daylight.
Close your eyes - Every day, your retinas absorb countless innocent rays of daylight, even when you aren’t looking at anything important. Think of how many rays you wasted as you watched yet another breaking news report on (shakes Magic Eight Ball) Angelina Jolie’s touching words of support for (shakes Magic Eight Ball) Jessica Simpson’s mom jeans? What if those rays were heading towards a doctor on a dimly lit road performing an emergency roadside tracheotomy? What if he was tending to someone you cared about?
So to prevent the wasting of daylight rays, I recommend keeping your eyes closed as much as possible. Open them only for important activities like flying airplanes and watching the latest episode of 24. When performing lesser activities that require sight (driving, operating heavy machinery), blink a lot. Every little bit of daylight helps.
Invest - Sure, saving daylight is great, but have you considered investing? Studies have shown that daylight that has been rolled over into a 401k or Roth IRA will provide more daylight for your investment over a thirty year period than you would receive in a standard daylight savings account. Judging by all the doom and gloom predictions people love to make about the future, you’re literally going to want to save that daylight for a rainy day.
I recommend talking to an investment specialist today about the options available for opening a new daylight investment account. After the first one hangs up on you, call another. Then another. Repeat the process until you find one unscrupulous enough to charge you for his services.
Take up a collection - Whether it’s whales, seals, or the earth, saving anything costs money. Daylight is no different. People have been taking their daylight saving for granted for too many years so it will require a lot of money if anyone is going to take this initiative seriously.
How can you help? There are many different ways you can raise money to help promote the cause of saving daylight. Organizing bake sales, selling raffle tickets, or washing cars are three easy projects you can organize in your community. I personally placed collection jars in numerous local convenience stores with little signs that read “Save the Daylight“ under a picture of the sun. Each week I collect the money in the jars and take it to an open field where I grab handful after handful, throwing it towards the sun. I tell the sun to keep what it needs, and everything that falls back to earth is mine to keep. I consider it another gift from the sun, just like sunlight.
With these tips, hopefully you too will be able to save more daylight this year than ever before. If you value daylight and think it is worthy of saving, please do what you can. Even a small change is a noble change.
Which reminds me, it’s time to switch the jars again. Saving daylight is hard work.
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