Chris Carlisle

The week between Christmas and New Years is normally a week of reflection when we look back on memorable moments of the previous year. During this time, the television and print media are rife with offerings of “best of”/”worst of” lists, retrospective articles chronicling news stories of the past year, and slow motion video montages of all of the noteworthy people who died in 2005. After subjecting myself to a couple of these reflection pieces, I decided that 2005 pretty much ate the monkey.

2005 was a stinker. It was a year of bad movies, bad weather, and Terrell Owens. So rather than relive Hurricane Katrina or the Dukes of Hazzard movie, I’ve decided to gaze into the future and offer my predictions of what to expect in 2006. The future is always changing so I cannot guarantee the accuracy of these predictions. We can only hope that at least half of these come true so everyone will forget how bad 2005 was.

January
The year begins with a tense standoff. Iran and North Korea, both bent on obtaining nuclear weapons, hijack the scripts to the rest of this season’s episodes of Lost and threaten to reveal key plot points to the world unless their demands of two ICBMs each are met. When that fails, the two countries purchase the film rights to the final Harry Potter movie for a record 100 billion dollars and threaten to recast Jack Black as Harry unless their demands are met. Muggles everywhere wait eagerly while UN negotiators iron out the conditions for surrendering the movie rights, agreeing to allow both countries to have one nuclear missile each as long as they promise not to use them.

February
The month begins with the Super Bowl where the New England Patriots defy the odds and win their third straight NFL Championship over the Seattle Seahawks, 31-28. Much to the anger of gamblers everywhere, they once again fail to cover the spread. During the halftime show, Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger creates a controversy by shouting an obscenity when he falls from the stage and shatters his replacement hip. Caught off guard, network censors fail to bleep the word, resulting in 210 million viewers worldwide being treated to a new verse of Jumping Jack Flash.

March
On March 17th, Katie Holmes gives birth to a bouncing baby boy named Xenu Farina Cruise. Tom spends the entire delivery jumping from couch to couch in the waiting room professing his love for his fiancé and new child with a camcorder in hand, turned towards himself. After the delivery the baby is handed to an auditor and scanned with e-meters before the cord is cut. When new mom Katie is told by Tom that she doesn’t need drugs to cope with her postpartum depression, she threatens to sell his collection of boy band memorabilia on eBay. Faced with losing his favorite Lance Bass t-shirt, Tom reluctantly gives in.

April
The start of the 2006 Major League Baseball season is delayed because too many players are serving suspensions for violating the substance abuse policy. Rather than comply with the rule, the players start their own league that encourages the use of steroids, growth hormones, and ephedrine. The new league is called the ABA (Anabolic Baseball Association). On opening day, Rafael Palmiero shatters the record for most home runs in a single game when he hits 14. At the press conference following his record setting performance, Palmiero issues a statement claiming that he never played in the game, period.

May
After confirming that the calendar contains more feminine month names than masculine, Senate Republicans draft legislation to have the month of June renamed to Steve. Democrats react strongly against the renaming of the month, claiming it will disenfranchise the poor since only the rich can afford to buy new calendars. Republicans correlate the Democrat’s weak position on renaming the month with their repeated unwillingness to act macho, which is vital to win the war on terror. The resolution passes 65-35.

June Steve
The month of Steve kicks off the summer movie season with a slate of of sequels, remakes, and computer animated films. In a surprising move indicating that Hollywood really is running out of ideas, Warner Bros announces plans to remake Young Guns 2 as a CGI cartoon, making it the first computer-animated remake of a sequel. The original cast of Young Guns 2 returns to add voices to their computer generated, anthropomorphic animal characters: Emilio Estevez’s Billy the Kid is now a feisty wise cracking hedgehog, Lou Diamond Phillips’ Chavez is a savvy coyote; and Keifer Sutherland’s Doc is a loyal friendly pig. Despite these changes (including Ben Stiller as Brock the Wolf, a zany character not in the original film), the studio expects to easily recoup the $150 million pricetag through DVD sales and product endorsements.

July
Hoping to put a positive spin on the start of the Hurricane Season, Fox launches a reality show called “Blown Away” where contestants are given the choice of a dilapidated home in Miami or Key West. To win, contestants have to live in the house throughout the hurricane season and the house has to remain standing. The winning contestants (if they survive) receives $100,000 dollars. A final twist is revealed when the contestants learn that they have to share their residence with either Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie as they film The Simple Life 4.

August
Construction begins on the 700 mile fence along the border between the United States and Mexico. In a totally unrelated story, construction begins in Tijuana on the world’s largest slingshot. In international news, China announces that starting in 2007 it will transition from communism to a democracy. They reveal that they intended to switch back in the early 90′s, but when the USSR folded they decided to hold off on the change so they didn’t look like a bunch of democracy bandwagon jumpers.

September
September is an amazing month for scientific discovery. SETI makes contact with intelligent life on a distant planet which provides us with knowledge to end world hunger. Advances in the field of medicine leads to cures for AIDS, Alzheimer’s, and many forms of cancer. Bigfoot is found alive and well in the forests of the Pacific Northwest. In spite of all of these discoveries, no one will remember any of it because Jessica Simpson will be spotted leaving a night club with Elijah Wood. Everything else newsworthy will take a backseat to the emerging “Elijica” celebrity romance.

October
Barry Bonds sets the single season homerun record in the Anabolic Baseball Association, finishing the inaugural season with 378 round trippers. An asterisk is placed by his tally when it is discovered that for the month of August Bonds actually tested negative for performance enhancing substances. Bonds claims that during this time he was fighting off a cold, which is confirmed on a follow up test where the slugger tests positive for Nyquil.

November
“Elijica” appears together on the cover of Us Weekly frolicking on the beach in Guatemala where Jessica is filming “Dukes of Hazzard 2 – Mayan Road Rally”. Her ex husband Nick Lachey also finds love again but not with another celebrity. Because of her anonymity, no cutesy couple name will be generated; instead they will be dubbed “Nick and that waitress from Hooters”. To round out the month of celebrity news, Kevin Federline’s long anticipated first album is finally released, directly into the $0.99 bin by the register.

December
In their first head to head holiday confrontation, Microsoft unveils an accessory to the XBox 360 in a desperate attempt to outpace the Sony Playstation 3 as the premier gaming platform. The new accessory, named the Gamer’s Lifeline, is a chair equipped with an IV feeding tube, catheter, and self-cleaning bedpan which allows for up to seven days of uninterrupted gameplay. Sony counters with their own version of the chair which includes adrenal stimulators that are dispensed when the gamer needs them. Looking to capitalize on the emerging market, McDonald’s offers Big Mac Slurries compatible with both feeding tube dispensers.

As you can see, 2006 holds a lot of promise. Try to act surprised.