Chris Carlisle

The weeks of Christmas and New Year are often the times when we reflect on the events of the previous year. Our televisions will be clogged with best of/worst of lists and retrospective shows highlighting the year that was, usually ending with a touching montage of everyone important who died this year. How important the person was is directly proportional to the number of seconds their portrait is shown during the montage: Luciano Pavarotti merits around 7 seconds, Anna Nicole Smith roughly 2 seconds. While I hope it’s still many years off, I’m hoping for at least 5 seconds of the memorial montage when my time on earth is through, that way in the afterlife I’ll be able to say that I was slightly more significant than Biggie Smalls.

Sure it’s healthy to look back on the past year and all that has transpired, but I’m more of a forward thinking person. Also, Dave Barry does a retrospective column every year and I don’t want to be accused of encroaching on his turf. So rather than dwell on the faces of dead celebrities in a memorial slideshow set to the music of Green Day’s Good Riddance,I’d like to use our time here to pontificate some of the exciting happenings to come in 2008. I make no claims of accuracy with these predictions because the future, much like Hillary Clinton’s accent, is a constantly shifting animal.

January
The year starts off with a surprising upset in Iowa. Shocking the nation, Ron Paul wins the Republican Iowa Caucus with a landslide victory. His victory is short-lived however when it’s discovered that the majority of his votes were cast by internet spambots based out of Murmansk, Russia and are thusly discarded. Hordes of Ron Paul supporters show up in Iowa to protest the reversal, but in a freak turn of events the majority of his supporters are also exposed as robots when their circuits short out during a rare January rainstorm. Mitt Romney makes an appearance on Hardball with Chris Matthews to weigh in on the situation. While brushing his hair back with his hand Mitt inadvertently flashes a gang sign. As a result of the faux pas, Romney loses the vital “Crip vote” which ends up costing him the nomination.

February
The month of February begins with a historic end to the NFL season as the Patriots complete their quest for perfection with a route of the Dallas Cowboys, 45-10 in Super Bowl XLII. To insure the Patriots victory, over-exuberant Pats fans kidnap Jessica Simpson (who is dating Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo) and bring her to the game. Tony Romo throws 6 interceptions as Jessica cheers him on in her pink Cowboys jersey. Oddly enough, the Patriots name Jessica Simpson as their Super Bowl MVP. The halftime show provided little excitement to the dull game as Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers continue the NFL’s policy of requiring a minimum age of 55 for all halftime performers. Peyton Manning also sets a Super Bowl record with 53 commercial appearances during the 4 hour broadcast.

March
Closing arguments are given in the OJ Simpson Trial, Part II. Unable to afford high profile attorneys like the ones who defended him in his murder trial, OJ’s defense falls apart when his lawyer is unable to find a word that rhymes with “memorabilia”. The jury deliberates for less than five minutes, finding OJ guilty on all charges.

April
The 2008 Major League Baseball season kicks off. To combat the image that steroid use is rampant in the league, MLB institutes mandatory in-game drug testing by replacing the on deck circle with a drug testing station and requiring every player to provide a urine sample before heading to the batter’s box. National League players protest the rule as being unfair since the designated hitter rule in the American League means that AL pitchers will not be subjected to testing. After learning of this loophole, Roger Clemens decides to stay on for another season with the Yankees.

May
In financial news, the dollar continues its slide against the Euro, the Canadian dollar, and the Monopoly dollar. Americans begin scavenging their game closets as the Monopoly dollar (aka the Mono) achieves parity and is welcomed as legal tender in many department store chains. To bolster the dollar’s strength, President Bush recommends that the US Federal Reserve begin purchasing PowerBall tickets twice a week rather than just buying tickets when the jackpot gets really, really big.

June
Remember that sock you lost? The one that you were looking for the morning of your big interview/wedding reception/graduation? You’ll find it in June. It was behind the refrigerator all along. Don’t ask me how it got there; it’s your sock after all.

July
As the writer’s strike enters its ninth month, networks scramble to fill their lineups with even more reality shows. In what is seen as a turning point in the strike, Fox airs a new reality showcalled “Colonoscopies with the Stars“, which provides television viewers with an invasive view of the bowels of America’s top 2nd and 3rd tier celebrities. The second episode dedicated to the discovery of a polyp on Corbin Bernsen’s sigmoid colon (subsequently removed, found benign, and auctioned on eBay) led to the highest call volume of complaints in the history of the Fox Network, which is quite an accomplishment. The series is quickly canceled, leading to a marathon negotiating session between the studio execs and union representatives, culminating in a new contract that is approved two days later.

August
The Summer Olympics kick off in Beijing, China. Despite concerns over security and human rights violations, the Chinese are gracious hosts during what is heralded as the most spectacular games in the history of modern Olympics. The United States Olympic team puts on an impressive show at the games, setting new Olympic records in ten events and winning 42 gold, 37 silver and 39 bronze medals, all of which are recalled due to their high lead content.

September
Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan collectively notice the clock on their celebrity status ticking ever closer to midnight, so they agree to join forces in a last ditch effort to revive their careers by forming a girlband. Appropriately named Trainwreck, the trio scores a string of number one singles off their debut album House Arrest. The success is short-lived however, as the night of their first concert the girls decide to drive themselves to the event and are involved in three unrelated car accidents.

October
Brad Pitt survives a close call on the set of his latest film when he is bitten by a rabbit. He is immediately rushed to the hospital where he receives three stitches on his left hand and a tetanus shot. The news media is flooded with stories on Brad’s near death experience (actually he returned to the set after a 2 hr hospital visit) and other stories on the lurking danger that rabbits pose. As a result of the media outcry, Congress immediately calls hearings to address the growing rabbit crisis where they pledge over 1 billion dollars (diverted from cancer and AIDS research) to investigate how deadly threat of rabbits is to our good looking celebrities.

November
In sports news, the Patriots, the last undefeated team in the league after winning their first 10 games finally lose their first game ofthe season, a 24-27 overtime loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars. Upon losing their first game, the Patriots have a champagne toast to commemorate the loss as it insures that their previous season’s undefeated record will not be matched this year.

December
With the election over and his time in office winding down, President Bush spends his final full month in office playing World of Warcraft, otherwise known as Operation Azerothi Freedom. As his online persona, a Level 62 Gnome Warlock named PwndbyDubya, President Bush dedicates most of his time to ridding the game of the Horde menace, or as he calls them, the “Virtual” Axis of Evil. The rest of the White House staff is in turmoil as the first wave of Ron Paulbots set up their base of operations in the White House basement in preparation for the arrival of their master. Though at first we were concerned by the outcome, by the end of December the American public will have made peace with the election and welcome our new robot overlords.

So as you can see, next year will be quite fascinating. Sure we’ll end up as servants of a robot overlord, but we’ll at least have new episodes of The Office and 24 to look forward to. Plus you’ll find that sock. That should count for something, especially since a new pair will run you around 20 Monos next year.