Well, that’s not entirely true.  To volunteer means to freely give one’s time, and technically that’s not what happened here.  Sure, I am giving my time to coach my daughter’s team, an unpaid position, but the means by which I became her team’s coach was not as simple as “volunteering” for the job might sound.

My wife volunteered me for the position. I was wifenteered.

(Checked Google. No entries yet for Wifenteer. A new word is born!)

If there’s one thing I have in common with a five-year-old (besides watching at least two hours of cartoons each day), it’s that neither of us have any idea whatsoever about how the game of soccer is played.  Sure it involves a ball and lots of kicking, but I figured there had to be more to it than that.

I went as far as to DVR a soccer games to see if I could glean any information from watching how the pros play it. The best I could tell when watching the playback (at 15x normal speed), it really is just a bunch of kicking the ball around with the occasional rolling around on the turf grabbing your ankle.

Since I volunteered (read: wifenteered) to educate these young minds on the sport, I decided the best course of action was to attend the league sanctioned training session to learn more about the game.  This was a clinic put on by actual soccer professionals who’ve spent most of their lives playing and coaching the sport.

I learned three very important things at this training:

1.Soccer at it’s purest form is a mind-numbingly boring sport that will not hold a five-year-old’s attention longer than 20 seconds.

2.The only way to keep a five-year-old interested in playing soccer longer than 20 seconds is to trick him into thinking he’s not playing soccer.

3.Arrange for snacks at the end of each practice as a reward to help keep the kids interested.

Although the drills I learned at the coaching clinic dealt with soccer related moves and techniques, none of the drills actually made any reference to the sport of soccer.  Rather than learn how to score goals, we played the “Eggs in the Nest” game, where the balls were eggs and that the goal was the nest.  Instead of learning to dribble, we played the “Don’t Wake the Snake” game, where the players had to dribble their ball through an obstacle course without touching any of the cones (i.e. the snake).  Instead of learning how to pass the ball, we played the “Vaccinate the SARS Infected Monkey” game where we, well, that one’s pretty much self-explanatory.

After learning these drills, it’s not surprising any more that many soccer games end in a 0-0 tie.  Odds are good that no one in the history of the sport was ever taught how to score a goal.   Everyone’s too busy trying not to wake the snake that they forget to put the eggs in the nest.

My hopes aren’t high that my team will score many goals this season, but at this point in their development as soccer players, it’s less about winning and losing and more about tricking them into playing the game.

Although we’re not counting wins and losses, I do have one goal for my team to accomplish this year.  I fully expect all of my players will be using euphemisms on a 4^th grade level by the end of the season.  If that happens, it will be well worth my wifenteered time.

(Sorry to disappoint, but there are no snacks this week.  It was your mother’s turn and she forgot to bring them. Maybe next week.)

There’s nothing quite like the feeling you get when you come home after a long, hard day of pretending to work, walking through the front door of your house, and have your wife greet you as you enter the door, saying those three little words:

“The sink’s clogged.”

Granted, those weren’t the three words you were hoping to hear. You would rather have heard something along the lines of “I ordered takeout” or even “bingo whiskey tinfoil”, although the second phrase probably means your wife is suffering from a concussion and requires immediate medical attention.  That being said, a trip to the ER is still preferred over an evening spent elbow deep in sink innards prying pieces of chicken bone from the garbage disposal.

While most of the household chores are gender neutral in our family, the wife and I have reached an agreement that, though it may not be politically correct, a few household duties will remain the responsibility of husband while others would remain the responsibility of the wife.  Husband specific duties include any activities that involve ladders, pipes, wires, or spiders.  Wife controlled activities include decoration, color coordination (such as picking out clothes for the children), and any other activity that if viewed by people outside of the family would cause public embarrassment or otherwise ruin the family name (such as picking out clothes for me).  Since a clogged drain involved pipes there was no doubt that it fell under my job description, so off I went to fix the problem.

Friends, I have seen a number of clogged sinks in my day (three, maybe four), so you’ll believe me when I say this was no ordinary clogged drain.  A clog is remedied by a few glugs of drain cleaner or a few plunges of a plunger that has allegedly never seen the inside of a toilet bowl.  In this case, both washbasins of the kitchen sink were half filled with a liquid substance best described as “Leftovers Smoothie”.  This was no mere clog; this was a plumbing failure of epic proportion.

My first course of action was to switch on the garbage disposal in the hopes that I could, in technical plumbing terms, “chum up the smoothie” and potentially break up the clog.  I leaned over the counter and flipped the switch, quickly backing away to avoid any splattering from the sink.  As the disposal blades whirred to life the surface of the liquid began to churn, swirling bits of former food particles and wonderful new smells to the surface.  The garbage disposal started shaking violently, vibrating the entire sink as it battled against the vile clog.  All I could do was stand back and watch, fingers crossed.  It was in God’s hands now.

The sink began to make a guzzling, gurgling, growling noise, sounding much like an angry bear being sprayed in the face with a fire hose. Slowly, a swirling vortex of sludge formed in the basin.  Between the vortex of unmentionable disgustingness and the angry noises, the sink looked less like a sink and more like a portal to another dimension. I armed myself with the nearest kitchen utensil (a spatula) preparing to fight back any demon spawn that might try to cross over.  Thankfully nothing did, but something was happening in the sink.  As the vortex achieved maximum velocity, the level of the liquid in the washbasin ever so slowly began to drop.  The battle is won! Huzzah!

The victory celebration was short-lived however.  I noticed the liquid in the opposite washbasin was bubbling and gurgling as its level was ever so slowly rising at the same pace as the other one was emptying.  I switched off the garbage disposal before overflowing the opposite sink, watching carefully as the levels in both basins eventually equalized back to their starting amounts.  Alas, this clog was too mighty to go down so easily.

(I did switch the disposal on again, repeating the vortex experiment.  I did this two or three more times, not because I thought it would help, but because I thought it was awesome.  I invited my wife to watch; she was less impressed.)

Eventually I managed to quell the angry clog by unleashing the fury of my drain snake, which is much dirtier than it sounds, just not in the way that you’re thinking.  My wife was quite happy to have the sink back in working order, and responded to this news with those three words that I always anticipate hearing upon completion of a home repair project:

“Clean your mess.”

Sure the extra daylight is great, but are we doing enough? Daylight is an important natural resource, and even though the observance of Daylight Savings Time will lead to more daylight being saved, I think we can do better as a nation. So I’ve compiled a short list of how you can save even more daylight.

Close your eyes - Every day, your retinas absorb countless innocent rays of daylight, even when you aren’t looking at anything important. Think of how many rays you wasted as you watched yet another breaking news report on (shakes Magic Eight Ball) Angelina Jolie’s touching words of support for (shakes Magic Eight Ball) Jessica Simpson’s mom jeans? What if those rays were heading towards a doctor on a dimly lit road performing an emergency roadside tracheotomy? What if he was tending to someone you cared about?

So to prevent the wasting of daylight rays, I recommend keeping your eyes closed as much as possible. Open them only for important activities like flying airplanes and watching the latest episode of 24. When performing lesser activities that require sight (driving, operating heavy machinery), blink a lot. Every little bit of daylight helps.

Invest - Sure, saving daylight is great, but have you considered investing? Studies have shown that daylight that has been rolled over into a 401k or Roth IRA will provide more daylight for your investment over a thirty year period than you would receive in a standard daylight savings account. Judging by all the doom and gloom predictions people love to make about the future, you’re literally going to want to save that daylight for a rainy day.

I recommend talking to an investment specialist today about the options available for opening a new daylight investment account. After the first one hangs up on you, call another. Then another. Repeat the process until you find one unscrupulous enough to charge you for his services.

Take up a collection - Whether it’s whales, seals, or the earth, saving anything costs money. Daylight is no different. People have been taking their daylight saving for granted for too many years so it will require a lot of money if anyone is going to take this initiative seriously.

How can you help? There are many different ways you can raise money to help promote the cause of saving daylight. Organizing bake sales, selling raffle tickets, or washing cars are three easy projects you can organize in your community. I personally placed collection jars in numerous local convenience stores with little signs that read “Save the Daylight“ under a picture of the sun. Each week I collect the money in the jars and take it to an open field where I grab handful after handful, throwing it towards the sun. I tell the sun to keep what it needs, and everything that falls back to earth is mine to keep. I consider it another gift from the sun, just like sunlight.

With these tips, hopefully you too will be able to save more daylight this year than ever before. If you value daylight and think it is worthy of saving, please do what you can. Even a small change is a noble change.

Which reminds me, it’s time to switch the jars again. Saving daylight is hard work.

Beard season, if you’re unaware, is the longest contiguous time period during a calendar year in which a man can grow his beard before his wife or girlfriend insists that he shave it off. Officially Beard Season begins each year in the week following Valentine’s Day and lasts through Good Friday, allowing almost two full months of beard growth.

Granted these aren’t the only two months in which a man can grow a beard. The seasoned beard veteran knows of the two other prime beard-growing seasons during the year. In the fall, there’s Beard Training Camp. Training Camp lasts from November 1st until the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Next comes Beard Pre-Season, starting on New Years Day and lasting most of January. After that comes full on Beard Season, which has just begun.

There are two key factors why these time periods were selected as prime beard growing months. First is the temperature. Beards are generally warm and itchy, so the last thing you want during the scalding hot days of summer is a hair mask insulating half of your face. The moderate to cold months of late fall through early spring are best suited for beard growth.

The second factor is the lack of family holiday gatherings. Generally family gatherings require family group photos, and no one (i.e. your wife) wants it to look like a shiftless drifter wandered into the picture with the family. During the next two months men will have hardly any external pressure to look presentable, and many of us plan to take full advantage of it.

Whether you’re a rookie or a haggard veteran of many past seasons, there are many bearding options to consider this Beard Season. If you are still undecided as to which beard you’ll grow this year, perhaps one of the following will find a place on your chin in the coming weeks:

The Evil Twin

Level of difficulty: Easy

Also known as the Goatee or the token Russian bad guy beard, the Evil Twin is a good starter beard for the bearding novice. This is the favored beard of young professionals who don’t want to shave everyday yet aren’t comfortable enough with their status on the job to risk growing a full beard.

Advantages: Your plans for world domination will finally be taken seriously.
Disadvantages: Increased odds of finding your name on the terror no fly list.

The Seacrest

Level of difficulty: None

The Seacrest, formerly known as The Timberlake, which was formerly known as The Crockett, has long been the favored beard of Hollywood heartthrobs, hobo clowns, fratboys, and crooked landlords. The wearer of this beard is generally comfortable enough with his status not to care about his appearance. Either that or he is just plain lazy.

Advantages: Overly simplified grooming techniques (Step one: roll out of bed. There is no step two).
Disadvantages: Odds of appearing on an episode of Cops wearing a ribbed white cotton undershirt and jean shorts are increased by a factor of ten.

The Whitman

Level of difficulty: High

Rookie beard growers need not apply, for the Whitman is advanced level bearding. A beard of this magnitude it too big for one beard season; the Whitman requires months, if not years of dedication and cultivation. Choosing to grow the Whitman beard is a way of making a bold social statement, that statement being, “I choose to never be found sexually desirable for the rest of my life”.

Advantages: Men with this type of beard can pretty much walk around all day in pajamas and a bathrobe and nobody would care. Also, soaking this beard in hot water creates a rich, savory broth.
Disadvantages: Complete strangers referring to you as “Pappy”, nesting sparrows, and the passive vow of abstinence one takes when growing this beard.

The Lucas

Level of difficulty: Moderate

The Lucas is a favored beard of stout men who suffer from the malady known as “chinneck”, a condition where excess neck girth obscures the delineation between where the chin stops and the neck starts. To give the appearance of a jawline, the beard is trimmed in a manner to outline where the chin would be had it not been annexed by the neck.

Advantages: People will forgive you for having a neck like a pelican.
Disadvantages: People will never forgive you for having created Jar Jar Binks. Ever.

The Pensive Art Critic

Level of difficulty: High

This beard is the beard of choice for the sensitive man with a keen attention to detail and style. A well-versed appreciator of indie films and musicians, the wearer of this beard is in touch with his emotions and exhibits a keen interest in political causes, celebrity gossip, and drinking coffee beverages that take at least two breaths to explain when ordering.

Advantages: Hot girls will probably talk to you openly and freely.
Disadvantages: Hot girls will probably think that you are gay.

The Chuck Norris

Level of difficulty: Legendary

If ever there were a manly beard, this is it. Saturated from follicle to tip with pure testosterone, the Chuck Norris is the beard equivalent of Sampson’s hair with one key difference: the wearer of this beard would’ve roundhouse kicked Delilah square in the teeth before she got within an inch of shaving it.

Advantages: The Chuck Norris beard is bulletproof, flame resistant, and has a black belt in judo.
Disadvantages: You cannot grow The Chuck Norris; The Chuck Norris grows you.

Which ever beard you decide to grow, here’s hoping that Beard Season 2009 is a good one. And hopefully a fast one, because I don’t know about you, but it’s been two days and this thing is already starting to itch.

I was out shopping the other day when nature called. Nature’s funny like that; never writes, leaves a message, updates Twitter or Facebook status, but nature still calls. In this case, nature was calling to tell me that last night’s dinner was exhibiting signs of accelerated depreciation, and that if I wasn’t able to make a balance transfer soon my account would be susceptible to severe overdraft penalties. Luckily the store had a facility to handle transactions of this nature, and it was within slow, stiff-legged walking distance.

I managed to make it to an available stall before my backup withholding became a short-term credit liability. But as I was about to leave the repository, I noticed something peculiar: strange sounds coming from the stall beside me.

The sounds I heard weren’t the typical bathroom renditions of the trombone sonata or deflating wet balloon noises that a person might associate with a trip to the public toilet. These were different sounds. Unnatural (not that “natural” is a term I’d use to describe any typical bathroom sound), clicking, beeping, electronic sounds. This led me to three possible conclusions:

- The occupant in the stall beside me was a robot.

- The occupant in the stall beside me was trying to pass a robot (or make an electronic deposit, to keep with the theme of banking terms).

- The occupant in the stall beside me was committing the sin of toilet texting.

I’m not one who generally takes a stand on important issues, but toilet texting needs to be stopped. It’s not only a gross misappropriated use of an electronic device, it’s just plain gross. Think about it: you’re engaged in an activity that requires the use of at least one hand (two handers, after all, are the stuff of legends) and now you’re going to partake in another activity requiring the use of another hand, potentially the same hand depending on which wall the toilet paper roll is attached. And then, upon exiting the stall, you’re going to put that phone up next to your face. You could save yourself some time and just rub your ear against the toilet seat.

All together now: Ewwwwwww.

I do understand why people bring their phones, iPods and other personal electronic devices into the stall with them. It gives them something to do to take their minds off these required visits to the Federal Reserve Board (I realize that one doesn’t quite work; just keep going). It’s why some households have magazine racks in the bathroom, or at the very least a shampoo bottle within reaching distance so you can idly read the label (do the words sodium laurel sulfate ring a bell? Thought so.)

Getting back to the guy in the neighboring stall, what could have been so important that he needed to send out a text message while ankle deep in pants on the commode? Was he relaying national secrets? Advice about an important client at work? Perhaps, but it was probably something like this:

Guess wat Im doing rite now? Hurr hurr!

Perhaps I’m old fashioned, but there are certain private activities that need to remain private, and the process of relinquishing floating debt is one of them. A bathroom stall is no place for casual conversation, whether it take place via voice over the phone or in text message format.

If you think toilet texting isn’t a national problem, consider this: one of President Obama’s first acts after entering office was winning his fight to keep his coveted Blackberry handheld device. Considering his self professed addiction to his handheld, it’s highly probable that President Obama has already sent out a few emails urging Congressional members to pass his economic stimulus package while seated on the Oval throne in the Oval Office bathroom.

In light of our current financial epidemic, the fact that our President might be toilet texting really isn’t that big of a deal. But, considering Congress’s track record for solving financial crises, we should be more concerned about the dozens of replies the President receives to his email from members of Congress that are worded something like this:

Guess wat Im doing rite now? Hurr hurr!

Doot-doo-doo-dooooo waahhhhhh!

After spending the past few months reviewing unemployment rates, GDP trends, consumer confidence index, and new home construction data, economists have reached the conclusion that the giant sucking we’ve been hearing for the past year is the economy. Yes, it’s bad out there, but for the savvy investor there’s still money to be made. Not much, but if you invest in some or all of the following categories, there’s a good chance you’ll have enough left to be the best dressed person in line for the soup kitchen.

Gas – Not fuel companies, actual fuel. Last summer gasoline prices across the country eclipsed four dollars a gallon with some places even reaching as high as five. In the true spirit of the “buy low, sell high” philosophy of market management, now is the perfect time to stockpile gas. Fill every vessel in your house with 87 octane: vases, bath tubs, old milk jugs, fish tanks, etc. By Memorial Day gas prices will start going back up, and when they do, sell baby sell! You’ll be dizzy from all the profits you make from this investment. It might just be from all the gas fumes, but one way or another you’ll be dizzy. Possibly even blind.

Harmonicas – As the stream of home foreclosures continues this spring, communities of McMansions will find their inhabitants leaving in droves and relocating to Hobo McCamps. Since no transient hobo camp is complete without at least one harmonica player, market analysts are predicting a booming year for harmonica sales. Harmonicas are obviously just a small part of the emerging hobo economy, so you might want to consider investing in a diversified Hobo Investment Portfolio, which includes sizable investments in the grocery cart, fingerless glove, and flaming trash barrel markets. Analysts would also recommend that you keep an eye on the emerging “flannel hat with earflaps” market.

Collections Agencies –Sure, it won’t stop them from taking your car when you miss too many payments, but as the repo man is towing your car away you’ll be making money off of it! It’s the “Paying Paul to rob Peter to pay Paul” investment plan.

Muscle Shirts – It’s a fact: as long as there is a male population living in the state of West Virginia, there will always be a market for muscle shirts.

Chuck E. Cheese Tokens – These tokens (aka “Chucks” on the currency exchange market) have been one of the most stable currencies over the past twenty-five years. Unlike the Euro or Japanese Yen, the Chuck has not exhibited any volatile fluctuations against the dollar as a result of the recent economic downturn and is still trading at the same favorable rate of 4 per dollar.

(Note: Chuck E. Cheese does have plans that tout more favorable exchange rates than standard market value. While these plans look promising, this investor strongly advises against them due to unnecessary contract obligations, such as the purchase of a pizza. While the Chuck still enjoys a favorable exchange rate, the pizza has recently been downgraded from “barely edible” to “less appetizing damp cardboard”. )

Besides the favorable exchange, another advantage in moving your savings to Chucks is bankruptcy protection. Specifically, when you file for bankruptcy the bank will probably raid your savings and possibly take your house and car to cover your outstanding debt, but they’ll probably overlook the large pile of tokens for a children’s restaurant. Of course converting the Chucks back to American currency can be time consuming, because it requires the use of a courier (usually a twelve year old) to take them to middle school playgrounds to convert them back to real currency.

As with all investments, there is some degree of risk associated with dumping your money in these categories. Judging by the latest dip of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the biggest risk might be that by the time you’ve finished reading this column, you probably won’t have any money left to invest (probably should have warned you sooner; sorry about that). If that’s the case, you should instead focus your efforts on obtaining the necessary job skills to survive the coming econopolypse. Like learning to play harmonica.

In fact it was customary for braves to exchange beaded trinkets on the prairie to signify that Runs with a Limp, Eats Two Desserts, and Writes Potentially Insensitive Native American Names would all remain BFFs long after the buffalo hunt was over. And while I’m certain the tribal elders of old would be pleased to know that the tradition of friendship bracelets continues to this day, I’m not so sure how happy they’d be to find out their honorary custom has been co-opted by nine year old girls.

Assistance in craft detail normally falls in my wife’s domain. After all, these activities require a certain amount of patience, and I’m about as patient as a gorilla chugging six shots of espresso while receiving a prostate exam. My extreme lack of patience first became prevalent during an event that will forever be known as the Mini Blind Incident. I have blocked most of the Mini Blind Incident from memory, but do remember filling in about five drill sized holes (I don’t mean the drillbit… I mean the actual shaft of the drill) around the front window of our house, and no new mini blinds have entered our house since that date.

Regarding the loom, my wife did take the first shot at understanding our daughter’s new bead contraption, but due to the rather sketchy instruction booklet and the impatient daughter in dire need of a trinket to give to her friend on the bus the following day, the task of unraveling the complexities of the Bead Loom fell on my shoulders.

After my first twenty minutes of working with the loom, I fully understood why alcoholism is a rampant problem on reservations. I had barely even managed to get the requisite number of strings spaced out on the loom before I felt like I needed a drink to help take the edge off performing this frustrating task. With my daughter watching close by I managed to stave off my craving and finally begin the task of sewing beads onto the loom. Sure the first few rows were frustrating, and I may have snuck a few swear words under my breath as a result of trying to feed those tiny beads onto the thread (while minimizing the number of times I jabbed the needle into the pad of my thumb), but I finally got the hang of it.

Three hours later, I finally had a beaded trinket worthy of the friendship between two 9 year old girls. I can’t say that the beading incident has made me a more patient person, but it has given me some perspective on the Native American culture and the importance of the intricate details that go into something as simple as a friendship bracelet.

It’s even given me new insights into important historical events. I used to think that whole Manhattan Island being purchased for 20 some odd dollars of beads was a rip off. After three hours on the bead loom? Totally worth it.

So, no, I won’t be publishing a year in review. You were there; you know what happened.

Rather than look back, I would much rather gaze into my crystal ball to catch a glimpse of the bright future of the coming year. Sadly, I had to sell my crystal ball on eBay this summer due to economic woes (thank you very much, Lehman Brothers), so I guess I’ll just have to make it up.

The year gets off to a bang in …

January
Barack H. Obama is sworn in as our 44th President of the United States. During his inauguration speech, President Obama returns to the themes of Change and Hope that played prominent roles in his campaign, going as far as combining the terms to form a new word: “Chope”. Not to be outdone, Republicans try to counter these sentiments of chope by introducing Mavy the Plumber as the party’s new mascot. Mavy’s stint as mascot is short-lived however when the GOP is served with a copyright infringement lawsuit since the new mascot bears a striking resemblance to Nintendo’s corporate mascot Mario.

February
At the Academy Awards ceremony, Heath Ledger wins a posthumous Oscar for his riveting performance as the Joker in The Dark Knight. His win sets off a surprising string of copycat suicides as other promising actors look to copy Heath Ledger’s formula by securing movie immortality with a posthumous Oscar win of their own. Sadly, despite a vigorous letter writing campaign and encouragement from many movie fans around the globe, Dane Cook is not one of them.

March
With only a Saturday Night Live appearance and a Guitar Hero commercial to his credit, 8 time Olympic Gold medalist Michael Phelps learns from his agent that his celebrity status is fading. In a last ditch effort to remain in the spotlight, Phelps begins a rigorous training campaign where he vows to swim anything, anywhere, at any time, starting with the Mississippi River. His plan works and he is able to dodge falling into obscurity, however by reducing himself to performing ridiculous stunts he unwittingly finds himself into an even more unappealing level of fame: David Blaine Famous. By becoming David Blaine Famous, Phelps has forever trapped himself in a hell of performing increasingly ridiculous stunts in order to stay relevant. And unlike handcuffs, a coffin, or a box suspended from a 100ft crane, even David Blaine himself cannot escape the inescapable horror that is David Blaine Famous.

April
Seeking their own bailout, millions of taxpayers refuse to file their income taxes. Congress, being the compassionate, caring legislative body that it is, mulls the idea of bailing out the taxpayer… at least until someone realizes that this isn’t an election year. Instead of bailouts, Congress passes sweeping legislation to re-institute the medieval tradition of debtors prisons. This legislation also includes a rider granting AIG an additional $12 billion dollars in bailout money that the company desperately needs to fund their corporate softball team.

May
It’s going to be cold this month. Be sure to bring a jacket.

June
Reality television feels the pains of the current mortgage crisis as multiple shows are unable to pay the mortgage on their palatial contestant housing estates. As a result, the casts of Big Brother, Biggest Loser, and Top Chef are forced to share a 700 square foot loft apartment in a converted Heinz Ketchup factory in Pittsburgh, PA. An alliance is quickly formed between the Biggest Loser and Top Chef contestants who team up and severely pummel the cast of Big Brother. The hit reality show Survivor is also not immune to budget cutbacks and is forced to forego their usual jungle or island filming locations for downtown Detroit. For the first time ever, there are no survivors.

July
Former Republican presidential candidate John McCain, a self professed Internet and email novice, finally logs into his senate.gov email account to find over 300,000 unread messages. While perusing the backlog of messages Senator McCain is drawn to the plight of Mrs. Alika Okafor, estranged wife of Nigerian Prince Hakeem Okafor who is being held as a political prisoner by rebel separatists. McCain spearheads legislation for the prince’s immediate release by allocating $14 billion dollars in bailout money to the Nigerian rebels. Not surprisingly, the legislation also gives another $6 billion to AIG, which the company uses for a beer run to Cabo San Lucas.

August
In science news, NASA holds a press conference to announce the discovery of a large, freshwater lake buried under the surface of Mars. Michael Phelps immediately announces plans to swim it.

September
Former President George W. Bush holds his first interview since leaving office. During the two hour interview with Greta van Susteren, Bush reveals that he spends most of his time clearing brush from his Crawford Ranch and working on his presidential memoirs, the first of which to ever be published in pop up book format. He displays two completed pages from the book, one where a reader can pull a tab to where readers can topple over the statue of Saddam and second page that allows readers to waterboard a terror suspect. He vows that he hasn’t given up the search for Osama bin Laden, just that he’s localized his search to the Dallas/Ft. Worth metropolitan area.

October
Exactly nine months from President Obama’s inauguration speech, 15 million babies are born named Chope, pushing it to the top of the list of popular baby names guaranteed to get your child picked on at school.

November
Miley Cyrus, singer and star of the hit Disney show Hannah Montana, is caught using a fake ID to get into a 21 and over nightclub in West Hollywood. While the star receives just a warning for her misstep, scientists at the Child Celebrity Institute elevate Miley’s Lohanification Rating from 4.7 to 6.5. While the rating is still somewhat low (Britney Spears peaked at a 9.2 before her first rehab stint), scientists warn that further behavior of this nature coupled with her rising celebrity could push Miley completely off the Lohan rating system. Should this happen, scientists would be forced to begin measuring the probability of Miley’s eventual public catastrophic collapse on the seldom used Barrymoore Index.

December
Former Vice President Dick Cheney, after spending the bulk of the last 8 years ferreted away in an undisclosed location, looks to soften his public image by accepting an invitation to appear as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Despite his heart condition, Cheney proves himself to be a very capable dancer, breezing past the early elimination rounds into the finals. During the final dance-off, the former VP accidentally shoots Poison lead singer and reality television star Brett Michaels in the face while dancing the Charleston. As a result, Cheney ends up winning the competition by a landslide.

And that rounds out my predictions of the year that will be 2009. Will it be any better than 2008? We can only chope.